she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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