I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
