Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
