u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
