Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
