ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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