I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
