So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
