how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
