Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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