I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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