I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
