I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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