her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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