history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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