We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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