He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
