so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
