when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
