never play flip cup with pint glasses
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
