It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
