I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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