Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
