I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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