i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
