i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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