The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
