I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
