MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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