here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
