names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
