I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
