just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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