My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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