wakey wakey hands off snakey
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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