Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
