Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
