i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
