They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
