I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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