It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
