So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
