sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
