so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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