I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
