I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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