My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
