I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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