wrigley field is MILF paradise
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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