So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
